Jeff Wayne - Spartacus (1992)

Elliott's disappeared into the void, he hasn't sent me emails for weeks now begging for some crazy album or whatnot. I can only assume he's either been eaten by zombies or got laid.

Anyway, in Elliott's absense I have free reign of the blog. That means you'll read whatever tripe I write here - and holy hell is this album a barrel load of tripe.

Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of Spartacus

 DISK 1

1. Destiny

2. Animal & Man (Part I)

3. Animal & Man (Part II)

4. For All Time

5. Whispers

6. The Eagle & The Hawk

 

DISK 2

1. Going Home

2. The Parting Of The Ways

3. We Carry On

4. Trust Me

5. Two Souls With A Single Dream

6. The Last Battle/The Eagle & The Hawk

7. The Appian Way

8. Epilogue (Part I)

9. Epilogue (Part II)

Here's a fact about this album: I've never been able to stay awake the entire time listening to it.

Let's get something out of the way. If you YouTube a song off this album, the comments will be a mix between people rightly proclaiming just how horrible this turd filled cravasse is, and people saying you need to give it a chance. The latter people are in severe denial, and giving this album a chance will result in an early demise*

For the uneducated amongst us, Jeff Wayne is the guy who did (shock horror) Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of the War of the Worlds, an album based on the story about tripods attacking Victorian London. That album was amazing and a classic. You know it don't you? DUN DUN DUNNNN. Of course you do, classic.

So what did he do after getting loads of recognition over that? Wrote this barrel of bull testicles. I mean, I can't blame the guy. An album about Roman gladiators fighting to the death, screaming "I'M SPARTACUS!!1!" sounds like a probable Manowar album, lots of cheesy lyrics about clashing heavy metal and fighting to the death in the arena, right?

Right...?

What the fuck Jeff.

A song where Spartacus whinges about if he refuses to fight he may get whipped a bit, and then Anthony Hopkins getting giddy over some arena action, whilst making the most unsubtle comparisons between the Roman civilization and the beasts in the arena. All the while, the crowd shout the name of a well known neck vein often referenced in bad circus related jokes.

I'm gonna be honest, it isn't all an abomination. The song above is probably one of the better on the album, keeping an exciting pace, but there's no real lead, and the progression doesn't really feel refreshing or exciting when it happens. The albums biggest crime is after the first few songs are over, it just plods along until the end. Horrible, horrible love songs make it cringeworthy, and a lack of any kind of hook in pretty much every song makes it hard to actually remember much of what went on.

Someone, somewhere will jump on me for this review. "You just don't know decent music!!1! Go back to listening to teh Sexy Pistolz!!" they'll scream, offended at my criticisms and apparently thinking that I like punk.

To that guy, I say fuck you. This album isn't interesting. The story falls flat a few songs in. The narration is all over the place, and the singing doesn't feel like there's any passion behind it (I believe this may be a reflection of the music, as all the singers seem more than capable). The redeeming brilliant moments in this album (and believe me, there are actually a few) are sandwiched between monotonous lengthy tunes that don't really go anywhere.

Honestly, to me it sounds like someone tried to spruce up an audiobook, but forgot to put half of the story back in, the music acting more like a backing track for ambience.

I think they're with you mate.

But this is the biggest annoyance - if this was just a shit album, I'd just have written a review saying "THIS IS A SHIT ALBUM" and be done. But somewhere, lodged between the tepid turd of the track list is some good music, some decent tunes weighed down by crap progression and support.

Apparently this album is pretty rare now, having being out of print for a while. That's because I bought them all. And I burned them.

Anyway, pray for Elliott to return before this stops being a punk blog and I start just reviewing Pink Floyd constantly.

*The album may or may not actually result in an early demise, currently unproven.